Yesterday, I talked about using voodoo dolls as a feasible method of travel. You know, making a voodoo doll of someone to-scale with a world map or something. It sounded like a great idea in-the-moment, but since giving it a little bit more thought, it sounds like a logistical nightmare.
For one, you always need someone to move your voodoo doll across the map for you. What if no-one’s around? What if they hate your guts, and plunge you into the ocean or something? Then, they have to lift your voodoo doll at the perfect distance from the map’s “ground”– I mean, if they lift you just a mm, you could slam directly into (through?) buildings. Honestly, that’s a tad bit hazardous. Conversely, if they lift you a couple cm up, you might plunge outside of the atmosphere, or suffocate inside of it. And even if they happen to find the sweet spot that doesn’t involve you dying in some hideous way, they’d have to move you at the perfect speed. If they move you with the speed of an delusioned maniac writing their kill list, you might soar so fast through the sky that your brain slams into the back of your skull too hard, leading to an effective lobotomy (or death). They’d have to hold you steady, at the right height, and move you relatively slowly. Inching slowly across the map…
That all might be dandy, but what if the voodoo-wielder is in a rush, or has chugged a bit too much coffee that morning? They could accidentally lobotomize you, and that’d be rather sad.
Basically, it’s all human error and miscalculation that could lead to your gruesome death. Maybe if we took the “human” out of it (so you get just a regular “error”) that’d be better? Wire up a small robotic arm to move you across the map with mechanical precision, safely and consistently. And god, that just sounds like a lot of work I don’t want to do.
Any volunteers for this voodoo-transport project? (Oh, make sure to put it on GitHub, GPL, or I’ll make voodoo dolls of your loved ones and tickle their armpits during important situations, like a job interview or something. How embarrassing that would be!)
Oh yea, and today’s Black Friday. What a load of liberal consumerist garbage. (Luxury Gay Space Communism won’t have Black Friday, thank the stars. Perhaps we should just make voodoo dolls of the bourgies and throw them all out to sea?)
If you need some help, the answers are here.